Sample 10 caffeine-INFUSED, sugar-LADEN beverages designed to keep you wired and jittery all day

Warning: Don’t try this at home; while we are untrained, we are professionals.

Energy drinks are nothing new. From Red Bull to whatever off-brand is on clearance at the Grocery Outlet, the market is glutted with liquids designed to keep you wired.

When a brand like Red Bull seems staid and a flood of newcomers are hitting shelves at gas stations and liquor stores across the country, it’s safe to say the drinks are more than just a fad.

“Energy drinks are pretty much here,” said Jeffrey Klineman, editor of Beverage Spectrum Magazine - the go-to publication for all things drinkable.

Klineman, who said his own caffeine tolerance is so high he could be an astronaut, said the reason there’s so many brands is that they’re cheap and easy to make. Through a careful combination of gimmicky marketing, suggestive packaging and mysterious herbal ingredients, each caffeinated concoction tries to differentiate itself and create its own niche.

But with so many options, how do you know which energy drink is right for you?

It would probably be impossible - and likely hazardous to your health - to try all the energy drinks out there. Plus, there are so many new ones all the time it would be a downright Sisyphean task.

So we’ve decided to take one for the team and sample a selection of energy drinks - from the time-tested Red Bull to the most random, off-brand, bargain-basement brews we could find in the refrigerator cases of Vallejo’s most disreputable liquor stores.

We limited our tasting to 10 drinks, thinking that beyond that our senses would be dulled by shaking hands and racing hearts. And while this list is by no means comprehensive, we stand by the integrity of out results.

So read on, because what we found may surprise you.

Note: Each drink was rated on a five-star scale. Cool Ranch Doritos were eaten between tastings to cleanse our palates. The decision to spit the drinks into a makeshift spitoon or to swallow them and risk a bad case of the jitters was up to each taster.

1. Hunid Racks: the Real Energy Drink for Real Hustlers

We were pleasantly surprised by light effervescence of this unexpected winner, which had an essence of Sweet Tart and Otter Pop. Even though we thought the marketing was kind of lame, Hunid Racks gets credit for thematic continuity: the drink itself is light green, the same color as the $100 bills on the can.

Caffeine content: 84 mg
Other ingredients: B vitamins, taurine, ginseng, guarana

2. SoBe Essential Energy Orange

This tasty Tang-flavored beverage would have received a slightly higher rating, but we thought its real juice content gave it an unfair advantage over the competition because it tasted least like an energy drink of all those sampled.

Caffeine content: Not listed
Other ingredients: B vitamins, ginseng, guarana, yerba mate

3. Rehab Recover Supplement

A clinical-looking can with a lovely rose color beverage that smelled, one taster thought, “like a Strawberry Shortcake doll.” It tasted like Kool-Aid.

Caffeine content: 120 mg
Other ingredients: green tea, ginseng, catechins (apparently some sort of antioxidant), guarana

4. Old Glory: America’s Best energy Drink

For 99 cents, this drink is a doozy. Not only do you get 16 fluid ounces of caffeine-infused, sugar-laden delight, but the Pledge of Allegiance is printed on the can, along with the stars and stripes and an eagle. Made in Oklahoma, Old Glory claims to be “Keeping America Strong.” We believe it.

Unfortunately, the taste is nothing to write home about - sort of like Mountain Dew. But what do you want for under $1?

Caffeine content: 100 mg
Other ingredients: taurine, guarana, ginseng

5. Rockstar

This was one of the several drinks that fell into the urine yellow category. Tasted a bit soapy or body-lotiony, with distinct tropical fruit overtones.

Caffeine content: 160 mg
Other ingredients: B vitamins, taurine, guarana, milk thistle

6. Full Throttle: Nature is a bad mother

This was a divisive entry in the tasting - people either loved it or hated it depending on how much they like the taste of tree bark. It claims to be acai flavored and to derive its invigorating properties from “natural sources.” One taster found it reminiscent of Jagermeister.

Caffeine content: Not listed
Other ingredients: ginseng, guarana

7. Monster

Half of the tasters found Monster way too sweet, but a few liked it. According to Klineman the beverage expert, Monster may creeping up on Red Bull’s dominance. Except for Monster’s larger can, we didn’t find much difference between them.

Caffeine content: Not listed
Other ingredients: taurine, B vitamins, and something called an “energy blend”

8. Red Bull

What is there to say about the bigwig of energy drinks?

Caffeine content: Not listed
Other ingredients: taurine, niacin, B vitamins

9. Grapple Hyphy

Like our favorite, Hunid Racks, Hyphy was made in Oakland. We wanted to love it, given its almost-hometown origins, but were put off by the toxic-waste-green hue and aroma of apple cleanser. Also, one taster noted that it was “kinda burn-y” going down.

Caffeine content: Not listed
Other ingredients: B vitamins, vitamin C, guarana

10. Black Pearl

Technically, Black Pearl probably shouldn’t be compared to the other drinks. Made by a Florida pharmaceutical company, the Pearl touts itself as a “high energy libido matrix,” but is, in fact, a liquid so noxious you’ll want to gargle with industrial cleanser just to get the vile taste out of your mouth. The lengthy warning label advises to start out drinking half a can of Black Pearl to “assess tolerance,” and that drinking it on an empty stomach “may cause nauseousness [sic].” Turns out one sip on a stomach full of energy drink and Cool Ranch Doritos can also make you pukey. If you decide you must drink this stuff anyway, consider yourself warned.

Caffeine content: Not listed
Other ingredients: pure evil

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